We all have them, don’t we?
Yesterday I let myself stay in a funk. I shouldn’t have. I cleaned for an hour and a half straight. Hey, being stressed has it’s advantages, and for me – it often means something gets cleaned. I figured that to release the stress I’d just get some stuff done. I spent the day cleaning, working on bills, working and re-working the budget, trying to make the numbers look prettier than they are, and found some stuff to sell and put it on Craigslist. I packed up some clothes the boys have outgrown, as well as some other paraphernalia, and I had grand plans to haul it off to the resale store and take what they didn’t want to Goodwill. Then…I was going to go to the library (because I cruised through A Girl Named Zippy in less than a week and read The Time Traveler’s Wife in 2 days) and get some new books. But…I realized I left my wallet in the diaper bag. The diaper bag that was in Jose’s car, at his job. I decided it would be best if I didn’t drive without my license. That’s when I let the funk creep into my day. I hate it when I do that, but by the time Jose got home, I was on the verge of tears, until I finally let some fall. I just told him how stressed I was. I feel crappy, I hate that money is so tight, I hate having to worry. I cried and vented for a short while, and then I went to the library. Where I picked out 4 new books. I hurried back home so Jose could leave to go fishing with Diego and Aaron. Then I listened to Matias have a toddler breakdown when Jose left. Which he tends to do, pretty much every time daddy leaves. Really – I swear I’m fun to be around, but he’s such a Daddy’s boy, and I’ve come to accept that. Sometimes he’d rather cry that he’s gone than just calm down and have fun with me. So, I’m still feeling a bit funky and between his screams, tears, and pleas for Papa and EMO (Elmo) PEAAAAS?!?! I had zero patience. I was so frustrated. I was upset that he couldn’t just get over the fact that Jose was gone. He would be back. Come on, boy have some fun with your mother already, would you?! He wouldn’t eat his dinner. He was mad when Elmo (yes, I finally caved and put on Elmo) wasn’t on the screen. He kept saying he was all done with his dinner, but he’d hardly touched it. I finally decided to just let him be. I let him sit in his chair, and I didn’t watch him. He ate a few bites.
I layed down on the couch and I said a quick prayer. Just asking for a little help. Apologizing for being such a cranky, whiny mommy to my adorable little boy who still can’t quite communicate so I understand what he wants and needs all the time. For taking out my frustrations on him by not being patient. I asked for help tomorrow, because tomorrow is fresh and new, so it’s a clean slate.
Ugly Mommy may have reared her head today, but it doesn’t mean she has to tomorrow.
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