Why Today Was My Bittersweet Halloween

Why Today Was My Bittersweet Halloween

It’s Halloween day and just like every year my boys were so excited! Today the younger two had Halloween parties in their class and so they got to wear their costumes to school today. They are also excited because they will be going out trick-or-treating with daddy tonight as long as it doesn’t rain.

Halloween had always been a super fun day for me. It was a day that I always looked forward to. I even used to dress up in a costume for work. That is how much I used to love Halloween. I remember when I could honestly say that Halloween was my favorite holiday. That all stopped on Halloween day 2010.

I lost my grandmother on October 31, 2010. It’s been 6 years and yet every Halloween I relive that day in my head like it was yesterday. I remember what everyone was wearing. What I was doing when I got the horrible call that she had passed. And I will never forget the numbness I felt.  It was like I had died with her.

My Grandma and I were very close. She helped raise me so she was more like a mother to me than a grandma. She was my confidant. I could tell her anything, and she listened with out passing judgement. She was wonderful always giving me an honest answer and thoughtful advice. Especially when I was just discovering who I was and who I ought to be.

She was always my biggest supporter. When I was with her I felt invincible. My grandma always saw good in me when I couldn’t see it in myself. She saw beauty in me when I was sure no one else did. And she made me feel comfortable in my own skin and confident in my abilities. My grandma always made me feel strong, like there was nothing she thought I couldn’t do.

Today I am missing my grandma more than ever. I’m sitting here letting myself drown in memories of her, tears pour freely down my face. I am consumed by heartache and the longing to reach out and touch her even though I no longer can.

Halloween … a day which should normally be a day of fun and games, only starts a period of time that is especially hard for me. In two weeks it will be my birthday and then come the holidays. Yet all I can do is wish she was here with me. I show my boys pictures of her with them so they will never forget her. And I always tell them how wonderful she was. Even though my two older boys were little when she passed, and my youngest never met her, they all love her so much. 

My world has changed so much since losing her. I will never believe that time will make the pain of losing her go away. She knew all my secrets, hopes and dreams. I have to hope that she is still around me guiding me along the way until we meet again. I miss her dearly.

Sending hugs to my grandma, who I love so much! May you rest in peace Mama Carmen te amare y recordare siempre.