Here are the answers to your most private sex questions – Answered by Dr. Kat Van Kirk

Recently I asked you on Twitter to send me your most private sex questions. I couldn’t believe how many responses I received, thank you! I took the 16 questions that were asked the most and asked Dr. Kat Van Kirk to please answer them for us. 

Dr. Kat Van Kirk is a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT certified sex therapist. She is the resident expert at Adam & Eve. Find out more at DrKat.com.

Let’s get started…

Q: How do I tell my partner what I need in bed?

There are verbal and non-verbal ways to communicate what you’d like in bed. Sometimes it’s a matter of moving your partner’s hand to where they would like it or whispering some dirty directions during the act. If you want to be more direct, talking about sex when you are not having it (and not in the middle of a fight) can help you both realize what your real needs are. There is no reason your desires need to be a mystery and it can help you set up positive communication patterns for when you are dealing with other sensitive issues like money, family, etc.” – Dr. Kat

Q: How often do most people get it on?

According to researcher David Schnarch, only about 26% of couples have sex at least once per week. The rest tend have sex about once to three times per month.” – Dr. Kat

Q: I’m not getting turned on! Why?

There could be a multitude of factors. Stress and daily lifestyle is the biggest, but also hormonal fluctuation and medication use can play into it. In addition, most women don’t realize that since we are not as testosterone-driven as men, that we will not often become aroused until there is physical stimulation. So sometimes you do have to put the cart before the horse.” – Dr. Kat

Q: One of us cheated. How do we get past it?

It’s about looking at motivating factors and rebuilding trust. Research indicates that most partners do not cheat because they have fallen out of love with their partners but due to other issues, like not being appreciated, not feeling supported as an individual or wanting to break the monotony of monogamy up. These factors need to be addressed so that the couple can move forward and realize that their relationship does not have to end because of an affair.” – Dr. Kat

Q: What’s the best way to share my fantasies?

Let’s be clear here. Sharing fantasies does not mean that you want to act them out. It’s ok to find things titillating that we wouldn’t necessarily do. Look for opportunities to mention what gets you all hot and bothered, whether it’s a movie scene or something in the news. You can also make an effort send you partner a risqué text telling them what you would like to do to them or have done to you. Some couples talk out or develop fantasy play as apart of their foreplay repertoire.” – Dr. Kat

Q: How do we make time?

Become an opportunist when it comes to sex. I thoroughly believe in quantity over quality so that you aren’t waiting for all of the stars to align only to experience over-the-top expectations and pressure. If you have 15 minutes before the kids wake up, go for it. It also doesn’t have to be all about penetration. We should all make an effort to touch our partners more. This can be putting your hand on their knee in the car or engaging in a some make out time.” – Dr. Kat

Q: We’re stuck in a rut. How do we spice things up?

The research is clear; spontaneity helps keep couples together. In fact doing something, anything, different on even the smallest scale can lead to big rewards. It could be trying out a new adult toy, kissing your partner unexpectedly or even having sex at the foot of the bed.” – Dr. Kat

Q: What is meant by a “healthy” sexual relationship?

A healthy sexual relationship is defined as one that consensually feels good to you emotionally and physically while not consciously harming you or your partner. You feel free to express your feelings and maintain boundaries while having sex often enough to feel bonded and healthy.” – Dr. Kat

Q: Are you ever “too old” to make love?

Nope. Never. Research has shown that having sex is beneficial no matter what your age is. In fact, not having sex can be more detrimental. It helps keep our aging tissues and muscles flexible and strong while biochemically keeping our minds sharp and bodies healthy.” – Dr. Kat

Q: Can too much masturbation hurt your sex life?

The only time too much masturbation is negative for you or your relationship is if it is interfering with other aspects of your day to day life. This includes having the desire to continue to have sex with your partner. In fact, research has shown that the more you masturbate, the more likely you are to have sex with your partner on a regular basis.” – Dr. Kat

Q: What is sex therapy, and what happens in a sex therapy session?

Sex therapy is performed by a credentialed academic professional. It involves talk therapy, but you may be asked to do certain exercises at home. It is typically brief and solution oriented.” – Dr. Kat

Q: What is the definition of “sex addiction” — and what does it entail?

The term ‘sex addiction’ is often misused. I see more individuals who have behavioral compulsions to have sex in ways that may negatively affect their lives.” – Dr. Kat

Q: Is having cyber sex considered unhealthy — and does it constitute “cheating” on a spouse, even if you never meet your cybersex or phone sex partner?

Cybersex is not considered unhealthy unless it is inhibiting your ability to function otherwise, involves legal behaviors and is consensual. Every relationship has to define what behaviors they consider are cheating. There is emotional infidelity, which may not involve sex at all. Couples should discuss what their physical and emotional boundaries are with other people and how that may play out through technology.” – Dr. Kat

Q: Is it necessary to take “safe sex” precautions when you are having sex with just one partner — or with someone you know well?

Risk is involved in all aspects of life. When you choose to not use safer sex while having sex with a partner who is well known to you, you are choosing to do so based on the fact that it should be a lower risk behavior. Being monogamous may help you feel better about that decision, as well as getting regularly screened for STIs, HIV and hepatitis. You may also want to choose lower risk behaviors that don’t involve the exchange of body fluid.” – Dr. Kat

Q: Is there anything a person can do to change their sexual orientation — or is someone born “straight” or “gay”?

Research indicates that we are born with our orientation. That doesn’t mean that we won’t respond to other ways of being physically stimulated. Sexual orientation exists on a spectrum, meaning that rarely is someone entirely gay or straight, especially once you examine fantasies and experimentation behavior. It all depends how you want to define yourself based on those attributes or experiences.” – Dr. Kat

Q: Do aphrodisiacs really work? If so, which ones have the best track record?

There’s a lot of conjecture regarding if aphrodisiacs work or not. It seems that most of the time, it depends on our association with that food or drink. If someone thinks that oysters are going to arouse them, there maybe a placebo effect. Certain substances have been shown to increase arousal in ‘theory,’ but there is potentially a huge variation in effects from person to person, how much they ingest and when. When it comes to research, the options for increasing libido in both men and women include natural nutritional libido boosters like zinc, found in pumpkin seeds. You can increase blood flow to the pelvic region by eating more watermelon and better erections for men can be achieved by increasing your garlic intake, which helps blood flow to the penis.” – Dr. Kat

I want to give a special thank you to Dr. Kat for taking the time to answer these questions. I also want to thank you (my readers) for sending me your questions. 

Here’s a little more information about Adam & Eve.

What is it? Adam & Eve is the nation’s leading Internet retailer having served over 10 million customers through its website and catalog, and thousands more through their retail stores. With a long-standing history having a “sex positive” motto, Adam & Eve products have been spicing up the bedroom and enticing lovers for over 40 years. Adam & Eve sells only the highest quality products for individuals and couples looking to indulge in a positive sexual experience. Their signature products include:

• Vibrators
• Dildos
• Ben-Wa Balls
• Bondage Toys
• Cock Rings
• Love Cushions
• Lubricants
• Cleansers
• Movies

Each product with erotic content is carefully reviewed either internally or by a certified sex therapist or psychologist to ensure that the items Adam & Eve sells reflect a healthy portrayal of human sexuality.

What is “sex positive?” Adam & Eve wants consenting adults to be aware they have the right and opportunity to enjoy safe sexual experiences within their own moral boundaries. The company funds an initiative to:

• Inform adults about the issues, trends and cultural influences on the American sexual experience;
• Advocate sexual honesty, and encourage adults to exercise their political influence to maintain their freedom; and
• Entertain adults, encouraging them to “lighten up” about sex and view it as a healthy, normal and positive experience that can be enjoyed within the privacy of one’s own home.

Who is it? Phil Harvey, founder of Adam & Eve, created the company as part of his master’s thesis in family planning while studying at the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill in 1971. The inception of Adam & Eve came after Harvey’s time with the Peace Corps. He traveled throughout Africa, noticed the rapid spread of sexually transmitted diseases and identified a growing problem with overpopulation. Harvey challenged laws that made it illegal to sell/distribute birth control through the U.S. mail and from this endeavor, the Adam & Eve catalog was born. By doing this, Harvey created the first ever mail order contraceptive/sex-based business in the United States. For the first decade, Harvey experienced great success, and Adam & Eve was becoming a mainstream household name. This unfortunately caused a conservative uproar within the Reagan administration. Throughout the mid-1980s and into the early 1990s, Harvey fought against what he believed to be a corrupt and power-hungry justice system to ensure each American’s right to participate in healthy sexual encounters while being active in their own sexual decision-making. Today, Adam & Eve is the largest and most respected adult product company in the country.

How much is it? Adam & Eve products range in price depending on the individual item. Signature products range from $6.95 to $99.95. There is a price point for every budget.

What else? The Adam & Eve company culture is one based on giving back. Over 25% of all revenue is donated to international charities through DKT International, a non-profit continuation of Phil Harvey’s original mail order business. DKT provides family planning, health care and sex education materials to nine Third World countries in Asia, Africa and Latin America. It ranks among the top international family planning and AIDS prevention organizations worldwide. Adam & Eve also supports sexual health education by sponsoring the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) & the Center for Family Life Education (CFLE), the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS) and other local & national charitable organizations. International family planning experts have called Harvey’s efforts one of the most effective front-line strategies against the spread of AIDS. Not only is each purchase of Adam & Eve benefiting others overseas, it is helping those right in our own backyard with annual donations being made to local charities such as Relay For Life, the Make-A-Wish foundation and many more. Employees also get involved by volunteering monthly for Meals on Wheels, the Christmas Angel Tree (where employees bring in gifts for children), Thanksgiving dinner boxes, various food collections, blood drives, etc.

Where can I get it? Adam & Eve signature products are available for purchase at www.adamandeve.com, through their mail order catalog and at 55+ retail stores with plans underway for 75 more locations.