MIA… no I am just drowning…

Sorry that I’ve been MIA when it comes to personal posts lately. I’m not sure when it happened or how or why, but it happened. I am going through another struggle with my depression. It’s been so hard because I feel sad without a reason, I can’t help it and I can’t deal with it. It’s even harder because I feel like I shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t have a right to feel like this, especially when there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. I don’t like feeling like this but at the same time I don’t know how NOT to feel like this. I feel like I don’t have the energy for anything…not for friendships, interactions and especially not for conversations.

Depression has stolen so many things from me over the years. It has stolen friends, motivation, dreams, life, me… yes that’s right. Depression has stolen me. This time I can’t even make myself get on the phone and call for an appointment with my therapist. I am so scared to tell anyone what I’m going through. I am scared to tell anyone how I’ve been crying for hours because I feel so alone. How I feel so empty on the inside. How I hate myself for not having the courage to stand up for myself and get some help. How I feel numb, bitter and dark on the inside. I’m scared that anyone who knows will judge me, yet I’m also scared of being ignored.

I feel like I’m in a whirlpool of depression that has sucked me in and it’s preventing me from reaching out for help. Most people who haven’t suffered from depression just don’t get it. They just don’t understand how someone can cry for no reason. These people think that I’m just emotional. They have no idea how it feels to be short of breath and can’t be able to control it. How it feels to have your whole world tumbling down on top of you and not be able to fix it. These people don’t understand that depression is an illness. And that this is not your personality, your real personality is taken over by depression. These people think that people who suffer from depression just want attention. They have no idea that what we really want is to just feel happy. That what we really want is for the smile we carry to be real. That we just want to get through the day not feeling worthless. That we just want to be able to go through an entire week without crying. That all we want is to just be happy.

Maybe one day it will all be ok again…that’s all I want…to just be ok again.

Depression has a different quality than the normal range of sadness that someone may feel throughout the day. When you are depressed you do not feel like being with anybody, yet you also don’t want to be alone. You either sleep way more than usual or like in my case you can hardly sleep at all. Similarly, your appetite is either nonexistent or increases dramatically. Your energy level goes way down and you have a feeling of hopelessness about life. And it’s so difficult to feel and understand that we are not alone. 

For me there are days of endless struggle. Days when I take my “hopeful” pills, you know the ones who help me try to appear “normal” in some sort of way. I know that I have a lot going for me. And I’m sorry that I just can’t see it. I can’t see it because my worst enemy is not my life, but the thoughts and feelings inside of me. I feel like I’m always on a roller coaster. Not much consistency, it’s always been either I’m up or down. I’m so tired of having very little energy, of wanting to stay in bed, of wishing to be enthusiastic. Yet instead I feel like I’m made of lead. I feel that everybody is better than me, that I can’t do anything right. This is how I’ve felt for a very long time. It didn’t just start last night. I have no confidence, no self-esteem. 

I just want to feel ok, to be able to get out of the water and stop drowning…

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