Reasons For My Sadness

Here I am back at home and after everyone has gotten bathed and fed, I can take a little time for myself and have a wonderful cup of coffee. Yes, believe it or not I do drink a cup of coffee before bed. I am totally addicted to coffee, It is my true weakness..ok ok (you got me) coffee and Coke. 🙂 It’s  at this perfectly quiet time when everyone has gone to bed (yes that includes my hubby) that my mind seems to wander. More often than not it wanders right into how it’s hard for me to cope with the feeling of sadness I’ve carried secretly with me all day.

Truth is it’s so hard for me to keep a happy face and attitude in front of my boys when deep down I would love to just sit alone and cry my eyes out. But I wasn’t always like this and I know that my boys would worry if they saw how sad I really felt. I get very upset with myself because I know how blessed I am and I make sure I thank God every day for all my blessings. I get so angry at the fact that I know I have to be happy, that there are so many people in this world that are dealing with situations that are far worse. We are blessed enough to have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, and personally I have my family. A family that I am so blessed to say extends to more than just us five. I have such wonderful friends who I’ve been friends with since my school years. (I know not a lot of people have that) And they have become so much more than friends they are also my family. I have so much and it’s for that very reason that I feel it’s wrong that I feel sad.

I can’t really say when my depression started. I’ve dealt with so much in my life. For starters I didn’t have my dad by my side growing up. (He lives in Guatemala still) And even though I had two wonderful uncles that made sure I had a fatherly figure in my life. I missed my dad…I always felt he didn’t want me and thought that for that reason when my mom and I moved to the United States he didn’t come with us.

I had to cope with the failure of my first marriage. Which I believe was due to our ages and immaturity. I was only 17 when I got married and he was 19, I admit that the struggle of trying to conceive and not being able to. was what put so much pressure and stress into our marriage. But God knows what he has prepared for us in our lives and I knew that God had his reasons for this marriage not to work, and five years after we were married we filed for divorce.

I later went on to meet the man of my life, and who is the father of my children in Texas. We have had our difficult moments like all relationships do. But the biggest one was that he cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend of his. That was a very hard thing for me to find out, especially since I had placed a lot of trust in him. A few months later I found out that he had a child who is one month younger than Aaron with this woman. I felt so betrayed and hurt that even though I loved him very much,  I decided to move back home to Massachusetts. I packed up a few of my things, everything for my boys and headed back home to MA. When he returned from work that day he found that I had left. I received a call from him which I didn’t answer. I was surprised to listen to a message where he said that he loved us and would leave his beloved Texas and catch up to us in MA. I have to admit I didn’t believe he would, but sure enough one day after we arrived in MA so did he.

I had only been back in MA two years when I lost my grandmother. The woman who had raised me and was more a mother than a grandma. I was six months pregnant with twin girls when that happened and about a week later miscarried.

These are just a few of the things I’ve had to cope with in my life. And unfortunately maybe it’s because of these reasons that I suffer from depression. I’m sorry that this post is long but it’s tough to fit in situations that happened through out the 34 years of my life. I am very happy to say that starting this blog and being able to vent as I call it is really helping me to bring my feelings to the surface. Hopefully I will be able to stop the medicines and return to the cheerful, and adventurous woman I used to be!

Thank you for sticking with me…