What depression has been like for me…

I want to talk about something that I don’t think gets much attention in this busy world we live in. I want to talk about Depression. I was diagnosed with depression in May. I at first didn’t want to believe the diagnosis. I guess deep down I knew that it was true, but it’s a very hard reality to face.

I have already shared that I have three wonderful little boys. What I haven’t shared is that in 2009 I was pregnant with twins. When I found out I was going to be a mommy again after my two older boys I had mixed feelings. Mostly because we had decided that we weren’t going to have any more children. We were very happy with our two boys and felt our lives were complete. I had an IUD placed after I had Aaron because I was told that it prevented pregnancy for five years and since my OB at the time didn’t want to do tubal ligation because she said I was too young, I felt that this was the best decision to take. But yes even with the IUD I was pregnant. It was scary because I knew that the pregnancy was at risk because I still had the IUD placed.

The OB that I had chosen his time since I was now living back in MA told me that I was going to have to have the IUD removed, and that it would put the pregnancy at risk of miscarriage. I was 7 weeks pregnant when I had the IUD removed and found out that I was carrying twins. Month after month went by and every day I was thankful to God that my pregnancy continued. I couldn’t imagine what our life would be like with out those babies. We were elated when we found out that the twins were girls. Now we though our life would truly be complete. I was 27 weeks along when while eating dinner I had a very bad stomach ache and went to the bathroom on;y to find that I was hemorrhaging. It was the scariest moment of my life. All I could think about was the danger my girls were facing. I was rushed to the hospital but it was to late. I was having a miscarriage and the babies were in distress. When I arrived at the operating room I was told that the babies no longer had a heartbeat. I felt horrible! I received a DNC to clean the uterus. There I was recovering without my baby girls. All I could think about was how I had felt them move and kick inside me. And the fact that he doctor had told me that because of the DNC I wouldn’t be able to have anymore children. That was when my depression started.

At first I thought it was the normal grieving that a person goes thru after such a tremendous loss. Then in October of 2010 I lost my grandmother. She was more than just a grandmother, she raised me and was my mother. I had a very close relationship with her and it was horrible knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see or talk to her again. My depression grew even more.

Shortly after my grandmother passed I received the wonderful news that we were expecting a baby. A little miracle sent from heaven to remind me just how wonderful God is. It was a pregnancy like no other. I had morning sickness all day and the littlest smell would trigger a run to the bathroom. But I wouldn’t change a thing! A little angel was growing inside again. It was amazing when Matias came int this word and completed our family!! I had my tubes tied and now I can say our family is as it should be. But after Matias turned one and it was still so hard to get out of bed and function I mentioned it to my doctor. She thought that it was postpartum depression and I was put on meds. The Medication helped a little but life was still hard for me to live.

I was living with depression by myself because I never told anyone. I mentioned it to my mother but she told me that there was mo such thing and that it was only something that people made up so they had a reason to be lazy. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her so I never brought it up again. It’s even harder to live with this horrible sickness If you have to keep it a secret from everyone. I would still force myself to get up and get the boys ready for school. I didn’t want to do anything except cry and I kept thinking about how the girls would be 3 this year and how the holidays were coming and it was another year without my grandma. That was when my doctor prescribed one more med and recommended talking to a psychiatrist. So here I am…and thanks to both medicines life is a little easier to handle. I’m just taking everything one step at a time, day by day.

I hope that now that you have read a little more about how I have had to live with this horrible sickness and the reasons that caused it, if you are not living with depression may you be kind to those of us that are. And remember that it’s not just an excuse, It’s a very hard feeling to get over. And if you are living with depression, know that you are not alone. It does take time to heal, and don’t be afraid to get help. If you feel like you can’t discuss this with your family or friends, look for support groups and even your own doctor for help. Believe me they won’t think you are crazy or making anything up. And they won’t judge you. I can also lend an ear, sometimes just having someone to talk to who you know is going thru it helps tremendously.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your comments with me.

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